The Chocolate Lady

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Researchers have discovered that peeing in public is a genetic disorder

I dont know when this all began.

I have two early memories of peeing in public, or, shall I say, thinking about peeing in public.

Number one, about three or four years old, playing with my brother (2 years my junior) and some neighborhood boys. One or some of them stopped to pee in the bushes and the world stopped turning, and I realized that they had a really cool trick, and I wished I could do it too. But I couldnt. And I didnt.

Number two, around the same time period, some of us kids in the neighborhood would run through the sprinklers in our underwear.....but only one of us (that would be me, the GIRL) would have to go inside to use the restroom.

Those are them....perhaps the moments in my life when the seeds were planted.

I've always been modest, so, it's not like you would ever actually see me peeing in public, at least not with my pants down.

However, from 7th to 12th grade, I have countless recollections of doing crazy things with my friends, we would end up laughing so hard that the end result would be me peeing in my pants.

One such incident happened when my mom sent me to the grocery store. I must have been 16, cause I could drive, and so we went to Albertsons to gather what my mom had told me to buy. Something happened in the produce department. I think my friend was goofing around, flipping her feather bangs back and forth, dramatically, which made us both laugh, laughing so har we were crying, and before you know it, it was as if Niagra Falls had sprung a leak, and try as I might, there was no stopping it. So, still in hysterics, we left the store, I went home to change, and we returned 20 minutes later to resume shopping.

So, it was pretty well ingrained by my teens.

Im gonna have to say my mother (the notorious Grandma J) was definitely to blame. I still remember driving home from *somewhere* in her Nissan 200SX, when she announced that she had to go to the restroom. Realizing we were nowhere near a bathroom stop, she decided she would just pee her pants, in the car, rather than try to hold it and risk an accident. I was disgusted, but Im sure this totally damaged my senses and is one of the reasons that I continue with this concept of urinating out in the open.

Fast forward to today. Im a mother, 3 small children, at the little league fields. Pooper is warming up, the team is ready to take the field, and Beauty comes up wiggling, "I have to pee!".

As it is with Beauty, her "I-have-to-pee-body-alarm-system" often malfunctions, and does not alert her to the need until it is far too late. As she does the fancy footwork, which clearly says, "I cant hold it any longer" I look far off into the distance, over at the public bathrooms about 1/2 a mile away, and realize, we wont ever make it. Not to mention I have Little One to carry. So, the switch in my brain went on and I told her we would find a place to go outside.

Right near our field, was a small hill. I gave Beauty a science lesson, and taught her to sit at the top of the hill, so that the pee would run downward....a very easy way to sit and pee in public, without anyone noticing, and relatively hygenic, RELATIVELY.

I was sort of ashamed to have initiated my daughter into this terrible behavior, but I convinced myself that there are worse things, and besides, nobody saw a thing.

A couple of innings into the game, and Pooper is on third base, ready to run home, while holding his crotch. Not just holding it, in that baseball player way, but really HOLDING IT, making it known to all that he has to pee.

Again, my option is the public bathrooms a million steps away....I would have to take him, and the girls, and he'd likely miss most of the game, and then I thought, since Beauty did it, and she is a girl, surely I could get away with Pooper peeing outside. So, I grabbed him, dragged him over to a tree, and told him to quickly go.

I turned away, watching his team get their gloves and hats and race out into the field, and I turned back, and there was Mr. Discreet, pants down around his ankles, shoulders back, making a giant golden arch up agains a tree. He might as well have put up a neon sign that said, "hey look! Im peeing in front of everyone!" After what seemed like forever, and some snickers from the stands, he pulled up his uniform, grabbed his glove and headed out to the field.

Ok, the season has just started, and Ive clearly identified myself as the world's most horrible mom. but at least nobody wet their pants.

The game is almost over, and Beauty comes up, no lie, and has to go again.

The game is only an 75 minutes long, for goodness sakes, did my kids save up a day's worth of pee for this particular outting?????

Id have told her to hold it, but, Im telling you, this girl is no one to mess with when she says she has to go. Same dilemna faces me, we just arent close enough to the bathrooms to get their in time, so, yep, she went and did her sit-at-the-top-of-the-hill routine, and did it pretty well, I might add.

Im pretty sure, to those that noticed, we were the topic of conversation later in the evening; "did you see that one mom and her kids? they all kept peeing outside, buns out in the open, and she let them!!!"

I wouldnt feel so bad if other parents did the same thing, but they dont. They miss innings to walk to the bathrooms, and some have even driven home to go!

Lots of families have their issues; skeletons in the closet, family secrets, and it seems that ours is just out in the open.


Cortney said...

That is really funny! It's a lot of peeing for 75 mins!

The Running Girl said...

I wouldn't worry about it. My son's whole soccer team will run off to the bushes before a game and do their thing. The parents just laugh. The bathrooms always seem too far away, no matter which field you are on. And believe me, I thought about using the bushes myself this past weekend. I had just finished up a 40 mile bike ride with TNT and had 15 minutes to get to my sons game. I really had to go when I got there, but the bathrooms were far away. I considered the bushes, but ended up being ok. Boys have it easy.

Grandma J said...

Ok, in my own defense, I don't remember ever peeing in my car...but if indeed I did, it brings a smile to my face knowing that Pooper and Beauty have inherited my well as their mother.

I really thought you would have relayed the "p" story about Pooper at the lake. So here goes...because I have a perfect memory..even if I wasn't there.

So, while on a camping trip, Pooper and Beauty are in the lake with Daddy. Pooper says he has to go pee. Daddy says, softly so others can't hear, "guess what? You can pee in the lake." So, with a big smile, Pooper scurries out of the water. While standing on the bank of the lake he turns and drops his bathing suit and proceeds to pee INTO the lake...for all to see.

As far as the lack of bathroom facilities at ballparks, maybe you're never too old for pull-ups.

Cortney said...

My mom's friend wore an adult diaper when they had to evacuate for a hurricane. It was impossible to stop for a bathroom or you'd lose your place in the 100 mile line so she wore the diaper and peed the whole way out of town!

Anonymous said...

Some people keep a potty seat in the car just for emergencies such as these. They even have these nifty absorbent pads that fit in the seat so you don't have to dump out the liquid or whatever. Surely the car is closer than the bathrooms.

Leeann said...

Peeing in public with kids is just par for the course with my son's baseball league. If the field is close to the bathroom, the kids will run off there but otherwise, into the woods they go. The parents totally don't care. And heck, I've been known to pee in public when there is no alternative. Better that than wet clothes, IMO!


M, Ms. R, Mom, Auntie M, Marey said...

OMG! I thought I was the only one who laughed so hard I wet my pants- as an adult!