The Chocolate Lady

Saturday, September 29, 2007

How to make a man fall in love, or at least give you a rose

It’s time for, The Bachelor, which would be more appropriately named, “A man’s search for his circus freakshow side-kick.”

The 2007 Bachelor is a country guy from Texas, who owns a bar or two. Kind of rugged, kind of homey, but definitely cute enough to capture the attention of the 24 bachelorettes who will vie for his roses each week.

Clearly after so many seasons of this show, the girls have figured out that they need to STAND OUT, do something to get noticed, to get this prized man’s attention. Unfortunately, some gals chose some pretty hideous ways to make themselves shine. Some things seemed to work, and the girl was rewarded with a flower at the “rose ceremony” and some things, well, were apparently HUGE turn-offs, I mean, some of these girls are just really lacking in talent, social skills and judgement.

Here are a few highlights of the antics seen on the premiere episode: and let me just say, I wish I had a DVR, ,or at least had taken pictures of my tv, like bossy does , because these are SO MUCH better when you can SEE them. I even looked on youtube for some clips, and there were none (which suprises me), but anyhoo….you could always go check it out on abc online Here are some examples of what you could watch:

Kristy, the acupuncturist, Practiced her Chinese medicine techinique of “tongue reading” on Brad and YES, he seemed to be interested in this weirdo skill of hers, as she got a rose.

Hillary broke her face on a bowling ball, however she is gorgeous to look at (plastic surgery???) whether fake or natural, he liked how she looks and she did get a rose.

Juli, Got on the ground, in her bright blue gown, and put her legs up behind her head, like a pretzel- and even admitted, that she showed this talent off, in an attempt to get the “first impression” rose – I think she forgot that the first impression should actually be a *good* impression, not the impression that scares him the most, because she not only didn’t get THAT rose, she didn’t get one at all and was sent home.

Tauni, wanted to “bust a special move” for Brad, and so she bent over, and stuck her REAR in his face, no lie, and rocked it back and forth, IN HIS FACE, Um Hello Tauni, FLAVOR OF LOVE is filming across the street sweetheart – NO ROSE for Tauni!

Melissa, who was completely wasted, dropped her fake, rubber boob on the floor….and later want on to tell Brad that he was, “sweet….sweet……SWEETNESS”, well, her sweet self went home, roseless.

Morgan, pulled of her “signature move” –honest, she called it that – and put her WEBBED FOOT up on the table to show off to the Bachelor. – Can you guess? NO ROSE.

Mallory chose to spend her 1:1 time in the pool, however, Brad was not in the pool, he was in a tux, surrounded by the other ladies in cocktail/formal dresses…..might have been wise to spend her one-on-one time with him, but in the end, it didn’t matter, the “mermaid from afar” technique was effective and YES, she got a rose.

Jenny did some go-go dancing, and DID get the first impression rose

Lindsey gave BRAD a rose, and then sang a song about the “yellow rose in Texas”….point taken, but the girl could NOT sing. – her sentimental move got her a rose though. Maybe Brad is tone deaf?

It proves to be an interesting show this year, with lots of *special* ladies. Im excited to see all the things they do to try to win Brad's heart, and wonder who will win his hand in the end. Any guesses??

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Im for sale

If you glance over the right hand side of the page, you'll notice some ads. That's right, Im pimping out my blog. Im working on finding the best resources for my readers, things of value that might interest you.... and if you click on these, I think I get a quarter. or something like that. It beats tap dancing on the corner.

It's all an experiment, Ill let you know how it goes.

I also added a site counter, and it's been a bit of an encouragement. All along, I thought I had 24 readers, per week. I was basing that on my polls...although this week, only 6 of you answered the question. But you know what, I have a lot more readers, most of them just dont like polls, I guess, especially polls about Iranian dictators. Well, in any case, welcome, Im glad you are here.

The site counter has a great tool, it lists where the readers are doesnt give out any personal info, so I dont know who the readers are, but I know where they are from. Some of them are obvious, for example, Grandma J is in Killeen Texas, so, when it lists Killeen, I got that one figured out. But I have some readers from far, far away......several in Canada, and a few in the UK, as well as one from Australia!! Who knew?

There are also readers all over the USA, from places Ive never heard of, like Ypsilanti, Michigan and Glan Burie, Maryland, which is a wonderful surprise!

Im toying with my next post...there are two that Ive been meaning to write is a consumer warning, but when I read it, I laughed so hard I about peed my pants, and I dont know that my insensitive perspective on it would be welcomed. The other is truly more serious, something I stumbled upon a few weeks ago that has been haunting me....but Im not sure others would be interested, and it's a bit of a downer, althought it COULD bring awareness and help others reach out....Ill keep thinking, so please keep reading.

BTW, did anyone see Top Chef this week? I stayed up to watch, and must have fallen asleep a nano second before the said, "(So and So) pack your knives".....I woke up about 20 minutes into the repeat episode (they play it twice, consecutively here) so, I pinched myself for the next half hour, watching it AGAIN, just to see who got sent home, and apparently, fell asleep again, right before Padma spoke. CRUD. Thank Goodness for the internet, I looked it up, and Brian went home, shame....Im not that thrilled with the remaining options...Trey and Brian were my favorites.

Que sera sera.....

Monday, September 24, 2007

Im a Fashionista

Something you all should know about me, (cause it's my blog), is that, Im a Fashionista.

Yes, dont act surprised, under these 2 year old, stained maternity t-shirts, is a gal that has a passion for fashion.

And, Im more than just a mom, more than a part time working-gal, Im a versatile lady with lots of exicting things going on in my life. It's super important that I have hip and trendy outfits to wear for every occasion, so, I did some shopping.

Wanna see what I got?????

This is for when I do some dusting around the house, I just sort of shimmy against the furniture and things become sparkly and clean.

This little number is for when I go to a bull fight. Cultured women like myself attend bull fights, ya know. It's a really handy dress and allows me to attract the bull, HANDS FREE!

Sometimes when I go out, I need to be reminded and encouraged to stick to my diet. Nothing says, "dont eat fattening stuff!" quite like this ensemble. If the giant opening on the side at the hip/waist/muffin area doesnt keep me on track, the large head of lettuce on the shoulder willl serve as a reminder to "eat light."

On those days when I am in a bad mood, and while they are rare, they do happen, I can wear this. The dunce cap puts everyone on notice to leave me alone, and the hair screams, "I dont want to brush my hair"..which is the mantra of every girl deep inside.

And because Im actually a cleaning fanatic, honest, I got this, as it seems to be just what I need when spiffying up the house. It has all kinds of cloths and rags attached, so that I can just grab and scrub as I go about my day. Even the hair-do is great for cleaning between mini-blinds. How clever!

I know you are all jealous, and I cant help that, but please, dont hate me for being so in style!

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Dancing Queen (and King)

One of the purest forms of laughter often comes from watching my children dance.

Pooper loves to just start shaking his rear when he hears a good beat, and sometimes, even when the beat is only playing in his head. Out of nowhere he just breaks out and starts grooving, back side rockin to and fro, doesnt matter who is around. He first learned how to do the "booty dance" from a commercial that aired on tv promoting a local radio station. The DJ, Rick Dees, along with lots of other people, would shake their bottom, for the entire commercial. Andrew loved dancing along, and it's now become a habit.

I couldnt find the actual commercial, but here is a tribute that some fans of the radio station made;

booty dance tribute

And this video is of a little boy, watching the commercial, apparently it is his favorite too;
little guy dancing away

The funniest thing, is to get Beauty dancing. Not long ago, I realized that if I started dancing, she would copy me. So, sometimes in the car, when Im bored, I like to nonchalantly do a few moves, and it never fails, as I spy on her in the rear view mirror, she copies me.

I pretend that I am intensley focused on the road, while I do some big lasso circles with my arms (one arm at a time, of course, I am driving after all.) I shake my hands in the air, to the side, roll my shoulders, I try to be a bit kooky about it. I never let her see that I am looking in the rear view mirror, I have to sneak my peaks. But sure enough, no matter what I do, there she is, following along.

I suggest that those of you with young kids try this, if you havent already, it's really a hoot.

Here is another little thing that took place around here recently, a conversation between My Honey and Beauty, it really gave me a laugh;

My Honey: (as we were driving to church) I had a weird dream last night, and we were all visiting the moon (ok, honestly, I tuned out at this point, cause, how weird is that? but he went on to tell about what we all were doing.....)

Beauty: Oh yeah, I remember that.

My Honey: Beauty, I DREAMED we did that.

Beauty: But Dad, I was there, remember?

She's got a point!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

I'm bringing sexy back!

Well, I cant say that I am bringing it back, Im just writing about it, and....I dont think "sexy" is the right word, in fact, it's pretty far from sexy, it's about as sexy as John Mark Karr in a whale tale ....and now Ive gone and made my self nauseous just writing that!

But my readers (all 24 of you) asked for it, and dont let it ever be said that I didnt keep my people here it is, a public service announcement, complete with pictures!

I want you all to know too, that this did not come easy. I have spent the past few days, trying to get a shot, and when the guy was finally there, I would slow down for the photo op, and my dilapidated camera would either malfunction or run out of batteries (it burns up batteries quicker than lightning!) And when I finally, FINALLY, did get the shots, I brought them home to the computer and the mouse broke. Yep, the mouse suddenly became spastic and I couldnt navigate myself to even open up the pics. It was like the devil himself was keeping me from sharing this with all of you. But I scavenged the house and found a new mouse, actually our old broken mouse, which thankfully works better than the current broken mouse, and so here we are.

And, before I post anything that might get ME on the police blotter, I want to remind everyone that Im not using names, and it's nothing to go calling lawyers about, Im just trying to give people a better understanding of the situation, so that they can act accordingly, (ie. dont walk the trail without a can of mace or a bottle of wine - whichever you choose.)

So, there is one long trail that goes in a loop around our community. Sometimes it follows along a marshy creek, other times, as in this time, it passes in front of some homes. There are hordes of joggers, mom's pushing strollers and the occasional kid on their way to school that take this trail. It is very well travelled.

Apparently, someone, a nameless one, likes to park himself in a chair, right along this path. As Ive said before, I cant say I blame him, no need spending your retirement in a bingo hall in some dusty old town (eh hem, Grandma J.) I think it's best to get out, get some fresh air, go where the people are...that's the best way to stay young. But for heaven's sake, dont go asking people to fornicate with you! For one thing, you dont know where these trail walkers have been, and for two, it's not polite to do that kinda thing on the first meeting, and three, are you really up for that? is Viagra that powerful?

Back to being a busy little path, here is a snapshot of a gal just minding her own business. I am pretty sure that gramps was getting all reved up at this point, watching that blond pony tail swing back and forth as his lady got closer and closer, he was probably rehearsing his lines as she approached, "hey, wanna play doctor?" no, no, no, that's too sassy....."hi there, let's have sex." too forward, gotta be more debonair, "can I get you a glass a wine and a pillow?" I just hope the poor gal had on her running shoes! (if you look close, you can see him up ahead, sitting in his chair.)

It was important to me to get a nice good picture, for all of you, you know, just to make sure that we were providing the best possible information. So, I slowed, cause I didnt want to post a big blur, and I had to almost stop, and I think the guy thought I might be hankering up to proposition him. He looked right at me as I snapped the picture.

and then I sped away, afraid that I would look like the perv, taking pictures of strangers on the side of the road, heck, I feared the jogger herself might even call me in for suspicious activity.

I was bummed I wasnt able to get a close up. Not sure how I could have, except to get out and spark up a conversation with the ole guy, and maybe tell him I had just the girl for him, but would need his picture, or something (and you know I would have done it!!) but the jogger had me nervous, not to mention the look on the guy's face....and because Im generous, I tried to crop a closer look of that handsome face for all of you to drool over.....

hopefully nobody recognizes him as their long last uncle.

Im not too sure how much longer he will keep up this hobby, as I noticed his house was up for sale, and, not to be crass, but he's no spring chicken either, so one way or another, I doubt his gig will continue too long.

For those single ladies, interested in finding a spunky one, better get here soon. The rest of you, just stick to the treadmill at the gym.

PS. I just stumbled upon something so ridiculous, that I had to post it...but it's too trashy to post on here, so Ill send the brave over to TMZ to check it out. Maybe some one should get this as a present for gramps!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Blogging 101

What is blogging? Why do people blog? Some of you may be asking questions about blogging, so I thought I would try to give you a quick lesson. It's really not going to be a Blogging 101, maybe more like, Remedial Blogging, as Im not really qualified to do a 101 level post, since Im just learning all of this myself.

But let me show you a bit of what I have come to know in this Blogging World.

The first time I heard of blogs, it was through political blogs, people espousing their own views on issues such as immigration, church vs. state controversies, and campaign announcements. Some of you might know that before I had kids I liked to dabble in politics, just for fun, although briefly for money, mostly for the excitement.

Some of my favorite political blogs are; John's blog ... a guy I knew in the circle of things, who still is very active in the going's on of our county. I also like this local political blog And of course, there are other blogs, like that of Arianna Huffington, but I wouldnt never link to her site...for reasons that I might one day detail here, but suffice it to say she has bad breath, I mean REALLY monster breath, and when someone with monster breath is yelling at you, within an inch of your face, being held back by body guards, it's not pretty. But anyways.

I dont have the time to dabble much anymore, or read those blogs as often as I would like, but they were my first introduction to the blogging world.

When Pooper was sick, I started his website and soon become absorbed in the websites of friends, near and far, that were embattled in the fight against childhood cancer. I wrote often, and read even more, and journaling became an important outlet for me, as reading about the lives of others did too. I still read those blogs, and pray for those in the midst of battle, such as Christian's site and Alexia's page and I still go to leave encouraging words and prayers to the families that lost their children too soon, like Gregory's Family and Cam's Family.

Now that Pooper has finished treatment, I still keep journaling on his website, but My Honey let me know that I was too often writing about my own stuff, instead of Poopers. Basically, he thought I was hijacking Pooper's site for my own use. I didnt want to stop my writing, it had become a good habit, a therapeutic outlet, and God knows I might crumble or have spastic road rage episodes if I were to stop, so I didnt stop. I just kept going, albeit on this site, instead of Poopers.

I know a few other "cancer moms" that started their own sites, like Kristie and Marey, and they seemed to have transitioned nicely, so I thought I would try it as well.

So here I am, now where was I? Oh yeah, I was gonna give you some info about blogging.....

I have found that there is a great big world of bloggers. And my favorites are not serious, or focused, like political blogs. My favorites are rather random ramblings, by regular folks, dealing with real life. The blogs I like most are the Seinfelds of their day, writing about nothing in particular, which actually becomes quite entertaining. Im not gonna list my favorites now, because you would click on the links to read them, and probably never come back.

But guess what I else I found? These blogs, werent just of interest to me, reading them seems to be getting quite popular.

Take for instance, Pioneer Woman. When I checked in on her blog today, she had nearly 1500 comments!! That is for one day's post. That is 1000 times more comments than I got today. It might have something to do with her contest, where she is giving away a $600 gift certificate to JC Penneys (she does fun stuff like contests)...but whatever, she still has a lot of readers, and that is impressive, especially since she writes about things like her retarded brother and her cowboy husband, really.

Many bloggers have developed an online circle of friends. I found this to happen when I wrote Poopers page, and some of those people have become very close to me, even if I havent met them in person.

Almost as fun to read as the blog itself, is the comment section of some blogs, with people chatting back and forth, having fun, and often espousing some of the funniest things in print.

Yes, blogging has become popular and there are even the "cool" bloggers. I guess it's like the "in crowd" in high school, except for people in blogland are nice and not caddy....but there are clearly those bloggers that have a following, and have become celebrities of sorts.

Take for instance, BOSSY. Bossy is one of the popular girls, and well, guess what happened today? She signed my guestbook! I kind of asked her to, so, you know, it wasnt spontaneous, but it's kind of like walking down the math hall and having the Homecoming King stop to talk to you, except she is a girl, and we arent in high school, but you know what I mean.

There seems to be a circle of writers, who have become so popular, that they have paid ads on their site, which brings them a little bit of income, which is something to drool over. And some even write for different parenting magazines and online sites, drawing them into the professional realm of writing.

Despite the fact that some are paid, I find my favorite bloggers to be down-to-earth, writing about real life, the good and the bad, and I guess that is what makes them so well liked. We all like to know that we are not alone, that other people go through the same things, feel the same way, and live crazy lives that are very different than those scripted in the media.

Now, Ill give you the links to some favorites, located at the bottom of the page; go and enjoy, just make sure you come back.

PS. For those awaiting the next installment of the old man in the chair...I am working on it. I tried to get pictures twice this week, but my camera failed (long story, of course)...but check back in, Ill have all the goods soon!

Monday, September 17, 2007

Video killed the radio star

Last week, my kids discovered something comparable to an all-the-ice-cream-you-can-eat buffet. They realized that you can play Radio Disney on our cable TV. That's right, you can listen to Hannah M. and the HSM Gang all the time, IN THE HOUSE.

You see, up until now, my kids only get to hear Radio Disney in the car, when their dad drives. Their dad is nice, and will play any kid DVD, CD or radio station, all they need to do is ask. Actually, they probably dont even have to ask, he probably offers. Their mom, on the other hand, feels very strongly, that the driver must thoroughly enjoy the music pulsing through the speakers, and as much as she might like to let the kids listen to THEIR music, it would, quite honestly, be a safety hazard, because to drive the car while being annoyed can be a dangerous situation.

Somehow recently, while stumbling through the cable channels on TV, Pooper spotted Radio Disney. That's channel 940. Im not sure what he was doing in the 900's, but he was, call it a special gift from God, but he found it.

Ever since, they have not only been listening to the music, but have been obsessed with requesting songs.

Pooper was probably unfairly set up, as he is used to Radio Lollipop, the in-house radio station at the hospital. He can call up and talk to the DJ any time, request whatever song he wants, heck, he has even been able to go down and help DJ. I dont think he quite gets that a bazillion other kids are trying to call Radio Disney, it's a tad more popular than Radio Lollipop.

But he still tries to call, and he gets Beauty squeeling with excitement as they discuss which song to request, Jonas Brothers or Troy.

They havent quite figured out how to call, hang up and hit redial, but they are fumbling their way around, hoping to get their songs on the air (as if they arent already repeating the same handful of songs over and over.)

The other day, they hit the jackpot on things to obsess about, Radio Disney contests! Yep, that's right, caller number this or that can win tickets to here or there, all you have to do is call! Woo hoo! They ran around, frantically, trying to dial the number, over and over. They were so busy trying to get through in the mornings that they had a hard time getting dressed for school.

The whole thing took me back to the 7th grade, back when I attended my first concert, live and without parents. I wont tell you which concert, but would love to see if someone can guess the right answer! (and yes mom, you can play, cause I dont think you will know the right answer!)

The local radio station was giving away tickets, and I was determined to win them. I remember listening one morning in particular, as I was ironing my, eh hem, light blue satin jacket. And, now that I think about it, are you supposed to iron satin?? Anyways, I was ironing, and they announced it was time to call, so I ran to get the phone, and did my dial, hang up and dial again frenzy (that was before *redial* was invented).

In the end, I didnt get through. I was disappointed, but became even more upset when I returned to find that I had left the iron, face down, on my jacket. My jacket that now had brown dots from where the iron had burned the satin. Crud!

Not only that, but when I arrived to school that day, girls were buzzing around BW. BW didnt typically have a lot of BUZZ around her...she was sort of shy, and had a full neck brace (think Joan Cusack in Sixteen Candles.) But this morning, everyone was her BEST FRIEND, as, you guessed it, she had won the radio contest; 2 tickets to the concert. Just an FYI, she ended up taking her dad, not a "new" friend, but that's beside the point.

Yes, radio contests, a guess they are a part of childhood, but so soon? I was in Jr. High when I dialed in. My kids are only 4 and 6, that just seems way too soon to be hyped up to call in on the radio....but alas, it wont last forever. This special new found joy is not meant to be. Our cable channel announced that tomorrow is the last day that Radio Disney will be broadcast on the TV, so the kids are going to have to stick to listening while riding in the car with dad, phoneless.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

He's Baaaack!

Well, apparently, he never really went away.

Let me explain.

I have noticed recently, when driving the kids to school (the school is in our neighborhood, but I have found 153 reasons why I need to drive, rather than walk.)...anyways, I have noticed a lawn chair, the old kind, with the aluminum frame and straight back....a lawn chair placed on the side walk. It's there every day. Empty. Until Tuesday morning.

Tuesday morning, there was a man in the chair. An old guy. I didnt think much of first.

Earlier this week, I was looking at the police blotter online (we had heard loud sirens the night before, and a neighbor said there were several fire trucks and ambulances....) so I wanted to see what had happened. It turns out the emergency vehicles were going to a false alarm, but something else caught my was this:


Seems that romantic doctor was at it again.

Then it all clicked. Like a line of dominoes suddenly falling into place, one hitting against another.....the chair, the old guy, the police blotter......IT WAS HIM.

Today, as I drove by, I saw him. Just sitting in his chair, right up at the sidewalk - the sidewalk that is the main path through our community, the side walk that perhaps children walk on to school (if there moms dont drive them.) Certainly the side walk where two athletic type gals encountered his amore.

I stared at him, as much as I could going 45 mph. Pajama bottoms, t-shirt, 80ish years old, yep, that was him. I tried to assess if he would be scary up close...would he be a physical threat? Could he grab someone? Was he strong enough?

The whole way home, I wondered what the heck he was still doing on the sidewalk. After two (that I know of, that have been reported) incidents where the police were called, hasnt someone put a kabash on him yet? Why is he allowed to sit out there?

I hope I dont see him everyday, because Im just crazy enough to obsess over this, and seeing him might provoke me to do something wild, like, take his picture and post it on here, or something like that....just to warn people.

Guy should find some other way to spend his, move to a cowboy state and spend your days playing bingo, or something like that, but stay off the sidewalk!